Movie Review: The Transformers

In the Eighties, when the Transformers toys were a big deal, I was one of the hordes of kids fascinated with them. I didn’t have one but 8-year old rules meant that if I had a friend who had one in his toy cupboard it was tantamount to me owning one. He could have my wicket-keepers gloves if he wanted, that was the deal. It was a blue sports car that turned into a blue robot and in my mind there were various complex storylines and plots involving a blue car that turned into a blue robot. He outwitted stupid Tonka trucks and then smashed into piles of Lego bricks. He cheerfully trod on whole parking lots of dinkie cars. He went on daring missions to save the shoe-box which served as his base camp. Somehow, all those 8-year old scenarios dreamed up on boring days sitting on the couch seem better than Michael Bay’s overhyped Transformers movie. I know knocking a toy-inspired digital effects film seems like a soft target, but…come on. You have a megaquazillion dollars on you, at least start with a story. ‘Toy Story’ did it. ‘Incredibles’ wasn’t too bad. So was ‘Over The Hedge’. ‘Transformers’ was so boring that after the first six car-into-robot switches I had to struggle to stay focused on the movie.

Here’s the story. Typical Dysfunctional American Family Dad takes Typical, Nerdy But Likeable Michael J Fox Mould American Teen to get him his first car from a caricature Used Car Salesman played by Bernie Mac. Meanwhile, or was it earlier, shit happens in Qatar when an American base is annihilated by a helicopter turned robot. With me so far? After that string of clichés, there’s a whole eleventeen hours of such clichés (The Dumb Jock, The Hot Girl Who’s Dating Him, The President Who Trusts The Lowly Intern Over Superqualified Experts, The Soldier’s Emotional Blonde Wife, The Soldier’s Emotional Blonde Baby) which is painful to say the least, mercifully interrupted from time to time by cool transformations from car to robot. But what the hell, it’s just a toy movie.