Pet Names

Don’t ask me why, but I recently stumbled upon the typos-strewn Official Kapoor Family Homepage on the internet - a shabby, crude creation with laughable artwork and primitive navigation. A prominently displayed icon told me it was “made with a Mac” and thus I suppose exempt from all aesthetic judgement.

Still, old man Shammi, the creator of the site, is a committed alky, who, if reports are to be believed is never short of reason to be soaked. So let’s give the guy some credit. I have a soft spot for drunks on account of having read too many Tintin comics as a child.

Anyway, Shamshirraj Kapoor puts these old pictures up on the internet, with links back to the soon-to-be-hideously-obese Kapoor spawn. Click on Rishi and it takes you to a pixelated image of Rishi Kapoor and his family, circa 1980 with the caption, “Rishi Kapoor, pet named Chintu, second son of Raj Kapoor, with his wife, Neetu, and children, Ridhima and Ranbir” in 16 points Times New Roman Bold.

Chintu. The word rolls off your tongue like it ought to be scrubbed off with carbolic soap and steel wool. For those who are intimate with the family, there’s also Lolo, Bobo, Bunty, Hobo, Spot and Skip. Ok I made the last few up but you get the drift.

It’s not just the Kapoors who have been inflicted with ‘pet-names’. As research among my friends indicates, no one has been spared. I have one too but that’s going with me to the grave.

In the North, and by North I allude to anything north of the Vindhyas as one homogenous mass, the following are popular ‘pet-names’:

Vicky, Babloo, Bunty, Sonu (one of the most popular I believe), Monu, Goldie, Honey, Queenie (these three applicable to heterosexual males as well). Did I mention Bunty? There are scores more I’m sure but I can’t think of any at present.

South India has its own range of embarrassments – from the ubiquitous Raju, Babu, Sanju, Manju in Karnataka to the supreme pinnacle of social embarrassment that is the Malayalee pet-name (which sometimes even doubles up as the legal name). Biju, Jiju, Siju were quite common given names in the seventies. I once heard of a chap cruelly named Brojo by his parents. I bet he hid in dark corners a lot.

One thing anybody who’s been to school in Bangalore knows is that there’s always a guy called Sandy which is short for Sandeep. Hey Sandy! High five! The equivalent in the North is Harry, short for Harvinder.

I am not even going to begin to dwell on this need for the alter-ego at present. I am not getting into that. I did consider it but I got so many possible angles to it that I just gave up. For all you know Professor Surendranath Rao from the Institute has already done his thesis on ‘Repression In Society And The Segregation Of Personal Identity From Inter-Personal Relationships In Nuclear Families.’ He has all the thoughts I’m supposed to have already typed out and spiral-bound to boot. Thank you, Sunny.

An inebriated George K once told me was going give his son the first name ‘Sir’. That way he’d be knighted at birth. No need to strive and slave and accomplish jack to earn knighthood. Here’s my knighthood. Where’s my castle? He also said it would be a good idea to consume food-colouring pills and alcohol and then take a ride on the Ferris Wheel. That way our puke would come out all interesting looking.

He’s obviously a genius.