Ev’ry Line On Mr. D’Arcy’s Face

So I’m at Borders the other day and I find a book I’ve been looking for, for what is it... five years? I’m scared of people stealing my credit card details so I don’t use amazon.com. What can I say? I’m a dinosaur with a neurosis. Anyway, it was this book by Elmore Leonard, ‘Mr.Paradise’ and I'm flabbergasted to find it comes in a purple and gold cover that is so sickening it's like one of those cheapie romance novels. Shame shame Elmore.

So here’s an idea for bookstores.

Why can’t we choose our own book covers? Go back a few decades, when books didn’t have covers designed for them. They were all distinguished only by the title on the cover and the quality of the leather or the embossing. Now, I’m not asking for Encyclopaedia quality leather-binding. Just a simple plain cover with a solid colour background with the title in a simple Goudy Book 14 pts. And customers get to choose their own color for the book in question. Or if that’s too complicated, screw it. Just give us the option of a plain cover.

Some publishers have caught on to the appeal of stark simplicity. In fact, imagine my chagrin when a few aisles down I see a section of ‘Borders Classics’ where they were hawking hard-bound editions of dust-gatherers like Dicken’s ‘Hard Times’ and ‘Little Lord Fauntleroy’, in the exact manner that I described. Although they used a more modern Mrs Eaves style typeface instead. Still, it was a serif. And to give credit where it’s due, it was better than Goudy.

Now, I’m not a big fan of Charles Dickens. His writing is a bit too sentimental for my liking but I found myself buying the ‘Borders Classics’ version of ‘Christmas Carol’ just because I thought the cover was pretty. How shallow is that? I may as well convert and become a Bengali art director*.

But how about it? Wouldn’t it be cooler to have old-style book covers with no shit outside? Think of the money publishers would save. Think of how many more hits the book review sites of the Guardian and the NY Times would get now that people cannot judge a book by its cover. You browse on the net, read the reviews and buy at the bookstore. Amazon would argue that you could do all three on the net but I’m persisting with my Jurassic principles.

And just to prove I’m not all talk, I’m walking the talk. Just to let the Borders store people know that I’m with them in their lofty new ideal, I purchased not one, not two, but six of their simply designed masterpieces. It may be a while before I read ‘Pickwick Papers’ again, but I’ve sworn to not buy any books until I’ve finished all my Borders Classics.

That’s right. I am going to re-read every arcane piece of literature that the University of Poona’s dons of Literature haven’t already coerced me into reading. They had us read ‘Jane Eyre’ in second year, can you believe that? The only reason I know of ‘ev’ry line on Mr. D’Arcy’s face’ is because somebody thought ‘Pride and Prejudice’ would make scholars out of us.

And now look at me. Denied my chance to partake of Mr. Leonard’s excellent prose, I seek refuge in the shelter provided by ‘Borders Classics’.

Hark! I must return to my task and lest I lose a minute, nay, a second, I bring this record of my thoughts to a premature end.

*True story. This Bengali art director I know had the entire works of Charles Dickens at home, leatherbound. And he could barely speak English! It would have taken him an hour to read his own name. When asked if Dickens was his favourite author, he said no, Dickens was ok, but he preferred O. Henry!