The Surgeon General Has Just Been Owned

This should come as a surprise to all those who’re gnawing their nails while staring blankly at walls after making the resolution to quit smoking. Go buy yourself a brand new carton of Marlboros. Cigarette smoking prevents Parkinson’s disease. And it’s not just me talking shit. Big-heap scientists with lab coats and bad haircuts have come to this conclusion after months of research and late nights.

Stifling a hacking cough, Professor Hernan tells us that “…the protective effect is large according to the pooled data, current smokers have a 60% reduction in risk compared with those who have never smoked and consistent between studies in different settings”

After the experiment, RSPCA activists freed some 600 lab mice who promptly attacked local vermin with their acute halitosis. They were also perceived to be more rebellious by their cousins in the field and as a result, small groups of enterprising mice have been making tiny mice-motorcycles and mice-leather-jackets to spawn an entire new industry among the rodents. Also, skinny supermodel mice (you’ve got to check out those incisors) have been spotted ravaging tobacco plantations to suppress their appetite for yummy human refuse.

I used to smoke regularly. I quit several years ago but do enjoy an occasional drag now and then. So it wasn’t really cold turkey. More like room temperature turkey. Cancer paranoia aside, I quit mainly because I didn’t like yellowed teeth. It disgusts me. It wasn’t that hard, really. I just told myself that if I really, really wanted a smoke, I’d just go out and buy a pack, smoke a stick or two and chuck it away. In the three years since I’ve quit, I’ve done this on maybe two-three occasions. Not many have been blessed with this gift. There are, for example, those who live in Bombay, where the simple life-sustaining act of inhalation is tantamount to smoking. Look at the bright side, no Parkinson’s. Although Bombay residents should know that an obsessive pav-bhaji habit has been known to cause mental retardation.