Own a wristwatch? You fairy.

I own a wristwatch. I use it to tell the time. That’s why they invented the watch. So you don’t need to look at the sun or rely on your bowel movements to tell you that you were late for work. Then somebody invented the cell-phone. And soon everyone owned one. Just like a watch. But has it ever occurred to you that the clever little fucker who invented the cellphone also put in a little digital clock into it? It’s right there on your opening screen. Screaming out 3:06 PM blink 3:06 PM blink 3:06 PM blink 3:07 PM blink.

So, what’s with the watch then? Is it there just because it’s pretty? Do we wear it just as an accessory? We do, don’t we? There’s no difference between us and that shit-for-brains MTV deejay (forgot his name) with 5 rings on his fingers.

We’re wearing something expensive with no practical purpose except in the sartorial sense.

We’re wearing jewellery. We’re fags.

Now that the world has moved on from debating metrosexuals and simply accepted them (along with retrosexuals and the seemingly more ancient transsexuals, bisexuals and homosexuals) the question has to be asked: What the hell was all the furore about?

Men have always taken pride in their appearance. It wasn’t a turn of the century thing. Shakespeare wore bloomers. During Samuel Johnson’s time it was common for men to wear a wig. Men carried pocket-watches and silver canes. Pocket squares, anyone? That little carnation in the breast pocket. How faggy is that? Then there was Brylcreem and moustache wax and whatever else. Then David Beckham comes along and wears a sarong. But wait a minute. David is a footballer. He is not gay. He has a tarty wife too. That kicked off all the hullabaloo about metro-whatsits. Two years back, a fellow wears sunglasses and people were quick to pin the metro label on him.

What the fuck are you on about? Almost every man is a metro. One way or the other. Look at that guy with the gleaming white teeth. He brushes his teeth, the faggot. Oooh look at me…me so pwetty…me got gleaming teeths. It’s just a load of crap, this metro talk. The only men who don’t give a shit about their appearance are those who’re too ugly to care.

I know I’m about five years too late with this post now that we're in a different era, culturally speaking, but at least nobody will accuse me of being trendy.