I have this theory that most new age healing rackets (I-Ching, Tarot, Numerology, Reiki, Dreams, ESP, Karma) are fronts for gigolos. I lay the facts before you.
Who are the people who visit these places? Mostly affluent women in the 35-55 age bracket. The Tupperware audience, to be precise.
What is the one thing they have to offer? Looks? At that age, after a couple of kids and a decade of gluten-rich snacking? I think not. Money? Oh yesss….they’re loaded, these cows.
What is the one thing they need? It’s not more clothes. It’s not little ceramic dogs or Little Bo Peep figurines. (For some reason, they love ceramic Little Bo Peep fugurines. And it cuts across cultures. Chinese, Indian, Arab women, they all love them. Fuck knows what that is about.) And it’s certainly not karmic healing. The only healing them girls needs is the kind Marvin Gaye spoke of.
Having established these facts, I shall proceed to further astound you with my razor-sharp logic.
Ok, so now we have a rich, middle-aged woman who’s in heat. Where does she go for jungle love? Would she go to a place with so brazen a front as ‘Miguel’s Massage Heaven’? Good heaven, no. Even though they aren’t, their own perception of themselves as classy dames would prevent them from entering Miguel’s neon-lit premises. Besides, they might just run into their husbands there.
Women would just not go for stuff like that. That’s why the back section of Cosmo and Vogue aren’t filled with little 20 cc ads for ‘Love Chatlines’ and ‘Erotic saunas’ like those of GQ and Esquire.
Women need euphemisms.
Hence, all this tarot-reiki-feng shui stuff. Of course it doesn’t work. You think women didn't know that? They’re heaps more intelligent than men anyway. Don't let all the blonde jokes fool you, they're very clever. I know that's a very broad statement. But I'll just let it lie for now. It'll just be a matter of time before another Richard Gere film grosses 20 mill and they'll go and prove me wrong.
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